It's Hard

Now, many of you may disagree. But, until you've experienced it for yourself, you may never understand (imho).

It's hard. It really is. Writing this, will be difficult for me. One, because I'm going to be honest with how I feel about myself. And two, because I worry about what others (esp those who know me) will have to say. But this really is getting to me. So here goes...

Obesity. It runs in my family. Both on the men and women's side. Though, I've noticed it clearly shows on the women and, so far, has messed with their health much more than the men. Now, if you know me or would even see me, you may not think that I'm on this path. The truth is, I am. I have never in my life weighed what I weigh right now. Not even in my last pregnancy. I am so upset about it. As most women are, I think, when they step on the scale and see it went up yet another 5lbs. And, I honestly believe that's how it starts. That's how obesity starts to take over. 5lbs here, 5 there... And before you know it. BAM!! You're 35lbs over weight. I'll be nice to myself and "give" me 5lbs. So, with that, I'm just 30lbs over.

I find myself getting to the point where it is uncomfortable sitting up straight or crossing my legs, even. WHAT!! I have never in my entire life had this problem. This is again, is where I think it begins. It's like, these little things accumulate and then you wake up and you're where you never dreamed you'd be. And it's not in a good place. Plain and simple, I am not healthy. I am not! That's not good. Never is it a good feeling to think about all the things that've changed on my body and on the inside. I feel tired all the time. I am craving sugar like it's nobody's business. I could eat something with sugar in it, 90% of the day... Consecutively. It is a real addiction, ya'll.

If it's got chocolate in it, I want it. Heck, I went to a garage sale today, bought me some homemade cookies... You know, those amazing ones with Reece Pieces in them and oatmeal. Yeah, the real good ones. Guess how many I ate while driving? About 5 FIVE!! And then I had a couple more after that. All within about an hour and a half. If it's near me, I've got to have it. I just have this major urge to. I can't help it. I need help with it!! Most of my clothes do not fit. I find myself not fitting into even my "big" clothes. I have zero motivation to do any sort of workout. Because it's hard. I really don't feel like I have a good support system here. Especially when it comes to this. Because others do not see me, the REAL me, in this battle. They only see the clothes. And let me tall ya, you can get some good clothing styles to cover up some stuff. That's for sure.

So, it's difficult. Especially for someone who dealt with food and weight issues only 10(+) years ago. I mean, if I ate only a few skittles, I just knew I'd be getting fat. Not to mention I had people around me that were pretty good about reminding me of that fact. That's not healthy either!! It's like a lose-lose over here. At least, that's how I feel. And I mean it! I try to research things I can do and while doing so, I try to avoid all the bull marketing. It's hard. There is so much out there... Do this, try this, buy this, eat that. What do you listen to!? I mean, deep down, I know what to do. It's so difficult to overcome the thoughts along the way though.

I know that your thoughts can consume you. Thoughts can do create attitude. That's where I've got to snip it in the butt. I have to stop there. I don't want to be like the rest of my family. I want to be healthy. Ya'll, the skin on my thighs even hurt sometimes. I swear I can feel it stretching. I have cottage cheese like no other on my backside. My stomach has gone from flabby-fat, to a stiff-crater-fat. What the heck is that!! I'm hoping by writing this, someone will inspire me. Idk who reads this anyway. So, maybe I'll just have to inspire myself. I HAVE TO.

Anger is a secondary emotion. If you become angery, it's because there is an underlying cause. A lot of the time, I know that I am angry because of what is happening with me. I just know it. But, who wants to admit that. It sounds so dumb to say you're angry because you're fat (or getting fat). No one wants to hear that crap! Sounds like an excuse. Also sounds like something that could be easily fixed. But easy, it's not. It is not easy. It is hard. Cravings and sensations... Yes, I said sensations.

I need to just give up sugar. I don't know that I actually want to give it up though. That is the problem. I see what it's doing. But I still love it. They say sugar addiction is worse than cocaine addiction. And I believe it. So many things have sugar in them. And when I even begin to avoid it, it haunts me. It's like a little thing that follows me around and points to everything that has sugar in it. It tries to consume me. This, my friends, is ADDICTION. That is what it does. And once you give in, you can't just have one. At least, that's very true for me. WHY!! BECAUSE IT A REA ADDICTION. (http://tone-and-tighten.com/2015/03/10-tips-to-help-you-give-up-sugar.html)

I guess I'll stop here, as I could go on and on and just vent this whole session. But, I'll save you from that and stop now.

-T